Much as I enjoy Christmas and all the build up, I find the period of limbo between the festivities and the New Year celebrations makes me restless. I always relish the thought of January and the idea of new beginnings and probably even more so this year. When I withdrew from the MA in November, I made a conscious decision not to give too much thought to my work during December. I felt I needed time off. There was always going to come a time when my studies finished and I would have to ask "what next" but I hadn't expected it to be quite so soon and I felt I needed the time to come to terms with this.
I've been reflecting not so much on resolutions for 2012 but ambitions. I know it's not going to be easy directing my own work without the structure of an organised course and somehow I'm going to have to find the discipline to focus on what I believe to be important. With the start of a new year, I felt ready to tackle this head on. Then I woke up on New Year's Eve, sneezing, full of cold and with yet another eye infection and I feel as though my brain has turned to mush. I don't feel I can tackle anything!
This feeling of not knowing what I want to do was not helped by unexpectedly receiving results today for the only piece of work I handed in for the MA. I didn't think it would be marked but it was and I did much better than I ever expected... "high standard", "exemplary", "a strong submission." Suddenly I was overwhelmed with regret... perhaps I've made a huge mistake. Perhaps I could cope with the work along side everything else after all?
But the feeling didn't last long - I know I was not enjoying the course whether I could do it well or not and I just need to find my own direction. And that may take me some time. I know I'm still interested in lace and holes, missing parts of stories and costume... and suddenly I have a renewed interest in Miss Havisham.
So meanwhile, I'll just work some samples without thinking too much about it and see where it takes me. I won't worry about making mistakes and getting it wrong.
And I'll have to trust that I'll find my way... all in good time