A Decision

It has been a pretty torturous couple of weeks as I've tried to reach a decision about my Masters degree. I'm not someone who is afraid of a challenge, I like to feel pushed and I hate to give up on something once I've started but the last couple of months have not really worked for me. I've struggled to balance work with studying and still maintain something of a normal family life but it has been impossible and as a result I've been exhausted, run down and miserable for quite a long time. I've swung from feeling totally overwhelmed to telling myself to get a grip and get on with it... but ultimately something had to give... I started to think how I could cut back on my teaching.

Work from students at Missenden Abbey last w/e

So I have decided to withdraw from the MA. I've had a full on week of teaching and it occured to me that this is what I love doing best of all. I originally started the BA in Embroidered Textiles as a way of pushing my own work so that my teaching would remain fresh. It was a challenge at times and hard work but I loved it, distance learning suited me and would never have considered giving up... yet that decision was made for me when the school went into receivership. Then I got the chance to transfer to the MA at Hertfordshire and I jumped at the chance. It seemed too good an opportunity to miss. But it has left me feeling drained of energy and I think my teaching has suffered as a result.

Work from students at Art Van Go on Wednesday

But it has been so difficult to come to this decision. I've talked it over ad nauseum to anyone who will listen. Giving something up has negative connotations of failure and I knew I would have to come to terms with that. But I'm seeing it as a positive decision to withdraw which will have postive implications on my quality of life. I will still work on my research, visit exhibitions and exhibit my own work alongside my teaching. I have all sorts of plans that I had put on hold "until I finished my degree" which I now intend to pursue. In fact, all I see at the moment are the positives. I'm sure I will have occasional times of regret but really all I feel now is a huge weight off my shoulders. For the third time this week I've been told that I'm looking well... much better than in weeks which says it all really.

Work from students at The Letchworth Settlement on Thursday

There is so much more I could tell you about my decision making process but really all that matters is that I'm happy with it. And when I look at just a small sample of the work produced by my students in the past week and listen to their feedback, I know I've made the right decision.

Feeling Miserable

Today I gave my work in progress presentation at University to my peer group and a couple of tutors. It went okay and on the whole people said constructive things and had good suggestions - nothing negative. But I've come home feeling very miserable and despondent. I'm left feeling that my work so far lacks focus (well, I knew that) and direction and has very little gravitas. I don't know where to take it next and frankly I don't feel I'm up to taking a Masters degree. I think it is very easy when posting photographs on the blog and glossing over my processes to be swept along with all the wonderful positive comments. Don't get me wrong, I love getting your reaction to what I do - it's always supportive and kind but it does rather blind me to what I'm really doing. Yes, I can make pretty images but I've come to the conclusion that's about as far as it goes.

I'm trying to stay positive and realise that I feel partly like this because I don't feel well. Whatever virus that caused my voice loss last week now seems to be back with a vengeance and I've a sore throat, thumping head and bunged up nose. I know I'm trying to do too much and I can't carry on with this level of teaching as well as taking a degree, so something has to give... and it's not good that it's my health. I never seem to have enough time for family and friends either and that is something I find really difficult.

I'm in two minds whether to publish this post as I made a conscious decision when starting a blog that it would be a colourful, positive and upbeat place, which I think does reflect how I feel most of the time. I don't want it to be a place where I moan and complain. However I don't feel positive and upbeat at the moment, I feel miserable and as this is my space I think I have the right to have a little cathartic moan. I've switched off comments because I'm not after sympathy - I just need a bit of space to come to a decision about my future.

I promise I'll come back next week all smiles, with some good news about the release of my DVD. Thanks for listening.

Looking Through Holes

As I delve deeper into my research I'm looking at photographs of old lace

I'm making drawings of the lace with a fine black pen and then cutting out selected areas. By laying the drawings over red paper the cut away areas stand out. I like the idea of partially revealing what is behind.

I'm still not certain where this is taking me but I'm having fun finding out

***

Thank you for all the good advice and concern about my voice which has now returned.

Progressing.

Lots of pictures and not so many words today as I begin to explore ideas for my MA practice.

Continuing from my initial ideas, I cut more leaves...

gradually expanding the cut sections

to create a lace like structure.

I notice the shadows.

And play with the light to create a lace shadow.

I cut more... and used them as a stencil to print patterns in my sketchbook.

And then used a photocopy of the resulting print as a template to cut out some lacy pages

And loved the way they looked when only partially cut.

And loved them even more as I pulled apart the layers and could see through the holes to the layers underneath.... revealing and concealing.

And thought about the possibilities of this on a larger scale.

I sprayed one of the pages black and liked the way it looked when positioned slightly out of register with the white page. Again, seeing through to layers beneath.

And even the newspaper that was protecting the floor becomes interesting with partially revealed text.

Meanwhile, the original leaf has started to dry out and curl up, creating more possibilities.

So many ideas, so many starting points, I'm not sure where to go next.

Keeping an Open Mind

There is currently an exhibition of Bridget Riley's work at Kettle's Yard in Cambridge.

I was aware of Bridget's op-art work in black and white from the sixties, which having a mathematical background I found quite fascinating.

Movement in Squares, 1961

The paintings in Kettle's Yard are selected from the past thirty years up to very recent work and are big and colourful. I saw the exhibition when it opened but if I'm honest, I didn't understand it and felt somewhat indifferent which annoyed me. Here I was standing in front of what was generally acclaimed to be great art and I didn't "get it". So when an opportunity arose to attend an evening talk with Bridget Riley in conversation with Paul Moorhouse, art curator at the National Portrait gallery, it seemed too good to miss.

Loss, 1964

Last night I went to St. John's College, Cambridge and listened to this amazingly vivacious 80 year old talk about her work... and I'm so pleased that I did.

Nude, 1951/52

She spoke about her childhood in Cornwall and the love of nature instilled in her by her mother. About how her mother would make her really look at the colour, shape and movement of everything around her. She spoke about her early days in art school and the strong grounding she had in life drawing and how the tonal drawings she would make then went on to inform those early black and white paintings.

Reve, 1999

Another strong influence on her colour paintings was the work of Seurat. A study of Cezanne gave her a desire to dig deeper and explore colour and pictorial space further.  Her work is filled with movement and rhythm.

Two Reds, 2000

And armed with this greater understanding of how Bridget Riley works, knowing where her influences have come from, I find I have a greater appreciation. Aesthetically they might not be my first choice of paintings to look at but I now feel I can take something away from the experience of looking at them... and so I intend to go back to the exhibition in Kettles Yard, which has been extended to the end of December and take a closer look.

Rose Rose 5, 2009

As I work through my MA over the next couple of years I think I might be doing a lot more looking and appreciating of things I didn't understand before.

A Beginning

I'm starting to think about my MA... both the practice and the research... and I have decided to start from some of the work I was doing for my BA Fine Art module. I'm looking at holes, the missing parts of stories, revelation and concealment , lace and knitting. This has also meant I've returned to paper cutting and I picked up this charming little book by Rob Ryan.

On the back cover there is this illustration of a paper leaf and it got me thinking what if...

I did this with a real leaf.

Which was good fun although not quite as easy as cutting paper!

Given my love of words and text, I couldn't ignore the bits that I cut out...

I then tried cutting a lace pattern from another leaf

Again... it bit of fun.

I've no idea where any of this might lead at this stage but I don't mind because at least I've made a start and we all know that any long journey has to start with a single step.

And I've finished the first page in my sketchbook...