Today I gave my work in progress presentation at University to my peer group and a couple of tutors. It went okay and on the whole people said constructive things and had good suggestions - nothing negative. But I've come home feeling very miserable and despondent. I'm left feeling that my work so far lacks focus (well, I knew that) and direction and has very little gravitas. I don't know where to take it next and frankly I don't feel I'm up to taking a Masters degree. I think it is very easy when posting photographs on the blog and glossing over my processes to be swept along with all the wonderful positive comments. Don't get me wrong, I love getting your reaction to what I do - it's always supportive and kind but it does rather blind me to what I'm really doing. Yes, I can make pretty images but I've come to the conclusion that's about as far as it goes.
I'm trying to stay positive and realise that I feel partly like this because I don't feel well. Whatever virus that caused my voice loss last week now seems to be back with a vengeance and I've a sore throat, thumping head and bunged up nose. I know I'm trying to do too much and I can't carry on with this level of teaching as well as taking a degree, so something has to give... and it's not good that it's my health. I never seem to have enough time for family and friends either and that is something I find really difficult.
I'm in two minds whether to publish this post as I made a conscious decision when starting a blog that it would be a colourful, positive and upbeat place, which I think does reflect how I feel most of the time. I don't want it to be a place where I moan and complain. However I don't feel positive and upbeat at the moment, I feel miserable and as this is my space I think I have the right to have a little cathartic moan. I've switched off comments because I'm not after sympathy - I just need a bit of space to come to a decision about my future.
I promise I'll come back next week all smiles, with some good news about the release of my DVD. Thanks for listening.